taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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