Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Sext me about skeletons
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize