had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
