he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
