There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
