I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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