it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
