what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
