i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
