I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
