Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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