If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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