JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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