Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
