So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
