i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
