Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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