how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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