She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
