According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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