Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
