A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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