Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
