Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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