I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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