Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
