I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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