Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
