I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You need Xanax blowdarts
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
