I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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