They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
