Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
