I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
