this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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