just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
