she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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