i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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