if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I cockslap morals
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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