Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
