Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
