You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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