god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
