just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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