Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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