Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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