...so i touched it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
