I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
