Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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