you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
