Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
