totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
