The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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