mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
