I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
