did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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