I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
