if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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