So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
